why does my heart still hurt for you?

and why is it so heavy with sadness for what you’ve become?

i’ll never understand.

so tonight, i cry for you.

downward

hot tangerine ginger tea in hand from a sweet friend. head feeling like it weighs a thousand pounds. lips are chapped. nose is stuffed. but february has made it’s way around again. who woulda thought? and somehow january felt like 2 seconds and 8 years all at the same time. it also ended a bit strange, as i found myself in catholic mass twice this past weekend. both times for things that represented not so happy reasons- a funeral for my neighbor and a memorial service for my grandma who has been gone a year now. and i was thinking that when i was there, i found that god couldn’t have felt farther away than ever before, and this same feeling i had as a child came rushing back at me full force. i know i have written on this once a long time ago, but i remember being a little girl and wondering why in the world jesus had to be locked up in a box on the side of the altar in this thing called a tabernacle once he became wine in a gold cup, and i suddenly realized that this couldn’t have been more representative of how he appeared to me for so much of my ‘childhood religious experience’. i couldn’t, for a second, ever get close enough to god. the son of man named jesus who was now supposed to be living was just always too far away, a tiny bit too much out of reach- stuck up on a cross on the wall, inside the wall, behind a confession screen, trapped in the holy water bowl, stuffed in a wafer, tucked away in a pouch of stranded beads. i thought for sure he had to be such a lonely man. and cold. if i felt cold in this place, then he most definitely must have felt cold. because if no one could get to him in these places, how would he ever feel loved and return that love? and if i couldn’t get to him, how could i ever expect him to get to me? or to comfort me when i cried, or take my hand to lead me when i lost my way, or pick me up when i couldn’t do it on my own any more, or hold me when i got weak?

this was trouble to my heart. it was then and it still is now. it burdened my soul to remember god as some distant spirit, a force in the sky looking down, while here we are doing all we can down on this silly little earth to get to him, striving to reach up, to grab ahold of an arm, a hand, a finger. anything we can grasp at all. trying desperately to do things right on our own, to do “good enough” and to be “better people,” but we can’t. we just can’t do enough good- we are wretched people with dirty hearts, and filthy hands not worthy enough to reach up towards him. but the thing is this- god chose to reach down instead. he saw his children- ragged and messy little children- and saw that they couldn’t do it on their own. so he came down and saved us from our pitiful attempt at trying to get to him by becoming one of us. ephesians 2: 8-9 says “for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of god- not by works, so that no one can boast.” and so there isn’t a thing i can do to get to god but believe in the one he sent. i won’t ever be good enough, or do enough good acts of kindness, or say good enough things, or love good enough- it’s just impossible. so god made it that much easier on us. the ones who just can’t seem to get it together are the ones that end up being reached out to. and that’s the picture of grace; a picture i didn’t know for quite some time. his hand never stops reaching downward- it never has and never will. we just have to choose to take it and stop trying to reach higher than he requires us to reach.

also, this is a completely unrelated subject, but this song just puts me in such a good mood…>

quick to do

• i got my flight itinerary emailed to me today and it made my heart happy. june cannot come quickly enough.
• my padre had to go to the emergency room last night. he was having severe neck and head pain so my mom took him around 2:30 am and they didn’t get home until after 7 this morning. they gave him steroids for the inflammation on the discs in his neck but i don’t know what will happen after that. thank god it wasn’t more serious than what it already is.
• it snowed the biggest snowflakes i think i’ve ever seen today. the only thing i wanted was to leave my building at work and go stand in that beautiful stuff. watching from a window just doesn’t do it justice.
• i really want to think of an artistic way to use all of these honest tea caps from whole foods i have collected. mostly, i just want to be artistic again. i would not be telling the truth if i said i didn’t miss it.
• a part of last week’s bible study is still haunting me. it was on john chapter 12- mary washes the feet of jesus with her hair. if i were to expound on how gorgeous this scene must have been and what this actually means, or if i could explain what a exsquisite act of humility this was, or how much i long for my heart to be where this woman’s was, i would. but i’m afraid it would make me cry and it’s too late in the night to start that.
• i fear that people, myself very much included, are already forgetting about haiti. the devastation still exists and yet, like we humans are so quick to do, we move on. so it goes.
• i’m still waiting to hear about the job. i am doing my best to remain neutral and just give it to god. ultimately, either way it goes, he has a plan and i have to rest in that.
• i had forgotten how much i love grape-nut cereal.

*edit-

i realized i lied in the 45 questions below. and because we all know i hate lies and liars alike, it deserves a correction, at least for my own state of mind- the last time i swam in a pool was not in august. and the last time i swam at all was not even in september in lake michigan. the last time i really swam was october 3rd in the pool of the friend of 9 years in a different question. in both of my last 2 swimming experiences i had an altered mind which made me choose to make very unwise and ridiculous decisions. although they created memorably funny moments, i now hang my head in shame. alas, what’s done is done. i’m forgiven.

and my apologies for the lie…

45

whats your name spelt backwards?:	ylime
What did you do last night?:	went to do bible study at kaldis and talked in my car
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?:	hmm, maybe not on my computer, but a new app on my blackberry
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?:	yes
Last time you swam in a pool?:	i would guess august. september was the last time i swam (in lake michigan)
What are you wearing?:	black pants, sweater, vest, tom’s shoes
How many cars have you owned?:	2
Type of music you dislike most?:	country
Are you registered to vote?:	yepp
Do you have cable?:	never have
What kind of computer do you use?:	dell
Ever made a prank phone call?:	sure
You like anyone right now?:	oh the infamous question
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?:	noooo
Furthest place you ever traveled?:	czech republic
What’s your favorite comic strip?:	i’ve never read those
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?:	i believe so
Shower, morning or night?:	NIGHT
Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?:	avatar
Favorite pizza toppings?:	usually just cheese, if anything else, then vegetables
Chips or popcorn?:	hmm, it depends
What cell phone provider do you have?:	verizon
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?:	is this a common thing to do?
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?:	nope
Orange Juice or apple?:	tough call- probably orange
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?:	today is by myself, yesterday was with volunteers at church
favorite chocolate bar?:	oh gosh- anything dark chocolate. also heathe bars
Who is your longest friend and how long?:	i would have to say kay frances- 9 years
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?:	i don’t eat tomatoes
Have you ever won a trophy?:	when i was younger
Favorite arcade game?:	ummm, i actually love pin ball now that i think about it
Ever ordered from an infomercial?:	haha yes
Sprite or 7-UP?:	it makes no difference to me
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?:	yep- i went to catholic grade school
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?:	i’m actually going there today
Ever thrown up in public?:	in a public bathroom, yes.
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?:	lovvvve
Do you believe in love at first sight?:	maybe if i ever experience it, then i could answer this question better
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?:	n/a
Did you have long hair as a young kid?:	yeah pretty long for a while
What message is on your voicemail machine?:	i actually don’t know what it is since i’ve gotten a new phone?
Where would you like to go right now?:	don’t even get me started…
Whats the name of your pet?:	arlo
What kind of back pack do you have, and what’s in it?:	haha, i no longer have a back pack really
What do you think about most?:	oh gosh, really?? i could never answer this…

couldn’t be more…

if someone were to ask me what’s been going on the past month, i’m quite afraid i wouldn’t have an answer. and it’s not that nothing has been going on, but rather just the opposite. as strange as it sounds, i feel like i’ve grown more the past month than i have past year and as if i’m more open to learning and being taught than ever before. maybe that sounds weird? and maybe i can’t explain what i mean, but i feel like i’m finally growing up a little and taking everything i can from experiences that i find myself in. i find that lately i want to at least try to listen better when people talk, and mean what i say when i say it, and make myself a little more accessable when someone is in need, and soak in words that i read, and be a little more observant that i already am, and lean on prayer more than working through something in my head, and not being afraid to take a chance, and being more honest about my weaknesses with myself and with others (or maybe just a little more transparent than what feels comfortable), and giving up my time even when i don’t want to, and trying to find the joy in something even when it’s not so joyful, and serving in humility and not in self-righteousness or out of obligation, and doing things in a spirit that will bring honor to a god who so very much deserves it.

if anyone were to have peered inside my heart on this night a year ago, they would have a found a very devastated girl who felt with her flesh but was numb in her soul. and the funny thing about it all? i knew *exactly* what was wrong, what was off, what was missing. i had successfully and royally disconnected my heart from the only thing that put the air in my lungs, from the lifeline that sustained me in all circumstances, and i am certain- certain beyond belief- that i wouldn’t have been nearly so hurt if i had realized this very thing where i was then. but i suppose, that’s the thing i had to learn. and even if it’s taken me this long, then so be it. i’ve learned it now, and that’s all that really matters. that, and the fact that i’m still learning and growing and figuring out, and i couldn’t be more excited to know what is coming next.

i’m learning the secret

“¹¹ …for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

philippians chapter four

here’s to you and your happiness, _ _ _ boy

 

the sound of hallelujah was in your eyes

the feel of tragedy dripped from your body

under sheets of soaking linen

and buried beneath feathered pillows,

cold and sallow skin of winter

melted into hot and smoldering flesh

 

you. were. there.

 

from below your hands engraved me

as my glance hung motionless above

i was cut wide open-

stained by fingers made of lies

 

in remorse my limbs folded into yours.

heaving chests

breathing in stark stillness

the room lie broken into pieces-

tangled cotton and knotted hair

bare walls shattered with indifference

hearts sliced deep,

splintered souls cried

and clothes clung to nothing

but the floor

 

[everything was wrong]

 

wind made of ice howled outside

but your whispered words

were swallowed by my hardened silence

ensnared on a mattress of aguish

my body lie defeated,

converging with the unknown.

i reached for you

only to touch the intangible-

 

vanished lips.

evaporating breath.

tears fade

in disappearing eyes,

and fall

into the

water glass

you

left

me.

 

arms unraveling,

i released the elusive body that never was

my hands were found empty

when my feet met the bitter floor;

fingers left grasping

for the heart I could not hold

 

i drowned alone

in the sea of white

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   -e.rose.b.

january fourteenth, 2009 through 2010

 

taken and given

i’m home. i should be at work, but i’m home. all because of some beautiful thing called snow that fell in the night. what also fell was my little El yesterday morning. i heard something right after 6 am, went to her cage and she was lying in peace at the bottom. my heart sunk when it finally struck me that my little bird of 10 years wasn’t going to be in my room to greet me anymore when i walked in. and so my room is so quiet now. my heart is quiet too. my heart has been in much turmoil and has been so heavy with knowing how to handle things and figuring out what i need to allow god to do, which is everything. ouch. it feels as if there is a thousand pound weight strung tightly around the little beating organ, but it’s surging and i’m fighting to be filled up with joy, for that is why is live, that is the only reason my heart has a beat at all. a beat is what i would also like to hear on my new guitar. the only problem is actually finding the time to learn anything on it. in about 3 minutes before i rushed out the door, ben taught me chords G, E, and A minor. A minor was by far my favorite sound. that’s probably all i need to learn and i would be content. A is also the first letter of our new puppy’s name, Arlo. he is the funniest, most lively, most strong-headed puppy and i lovvve him. when i came downstairs crying yesterday morning, jack gave me the sweetest look and hug, and said “em, i’m sorry about your bird dying, but at least we have arlo now.” and the wise words of an 8-year-old were never more true- we have to look at the good, the positive, the things we have been given to help with the things that have been taken. but the things being given, those are beautiful. things like a job opportunity that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and getting to see and talk to one of my old mentors, and feeling that undeniable and surging spirit rise up inside of me, and a new soundtrack out of complete thoughtfulness from an inspiring friend, and a desire to love more and love deeply, and the chance to work in the nursery at church for the first time, and another chance to help renovate a building this coming saturday, and a reassurance that i feel like i’m being called to work with refugees, and a bigger excitement for what’s going to happen on my mission trip than what i get to see while i’m there. it’s these things, these good and positive things i want to cling to. and so, i reach, and i will keep reaching…

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

romans 12

overflow

it’s christmas day and i don’t know how to feel. i could feel happy for the gifts i was given and for the family i have, and i could feel joyful for a humble baby born on this day, and i could feel frustrated for having such a lazy day, and i could feel longing for someone i thought would stay from this time last year, and i could feel heavy-hearted for hearing my cousin’s voice in iraq all alone on christmas, and i could feel sadness for the memory of watching my grandma take her final breath on this very night one year ago. that was a hard and difficult and painful night and i didn’t understand why a woman like her had to leave her family on a night like christmas. but as a year as passed, and as i write now, i think that maybe it was the most beautiful and fitting night for her to go, or for anyone to go, really…to be released from this earth and to let your soul fly heavenward towards the very reason we celebrate chirstmas at all. and so i decided that christmas, as strange at it is to me, has taken on a bittersweet feeling- one that just can’t be one way or the other. but maybe it makes it better-focused, maybe it makes me look at it differently, and find contentment in other things.

and i know that i am also in the process of finding myself more and more content with the simple things in life in general. i’m not interested so much in the things that i looked to fulfill me, in the places i flung myself into 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, in the bustle of people i surrounded myself with for so long, in staying busy allll of the time, in being coaxed into doing stuff that i don’t really feel like doing just to be doing it. it took me such a long time to finally learn to surrender myself, to look at not what i need or want, but to just look…around. how often do i really forget to just look? like everywhere i turn my head there is something to be learned and i just can’t shut my eyes to it any longer.

there are people put into your life for very specific reasons, even if they just cross through for a few simple minutes, and in every single one of those people, there is god. he is there- he is within. every person, whether they want to or not, reflect him, and he dwells there waiting- silently to be revealed. and sometimes i just get so overwhelmed with a simple look into someone’s eyes. it’s almost just too much, too intense, for me to handle, and yet more beautiful than i could ever ever describe. and in those moments, i find that i am arrested; captivated in the realness of a living soul, in the transparency of a breathing heart, in the authentic glance of stark and wondering eyes that glow. there is where love hides. there is where i am called to be. among people. people who are in dire need of something more than this world has to offer. people who are screaming for a life worth living and they don’t even know it. people who are longing for a hole in their soul to be filled because nothing else seems to be able to fill it. i know these people. and i know them well. i know them because i was one. and more and more, with each passing day, i am becoming more aware, more certain, that it is among these people that god wants me to exist. more and more i’m feeling like there is something he is calling me to do- to lower myself to what god himself came to be on this earth- a servant among the poor and oppressed.

for years now, a gray and subtle idea has been hiding deep within me, and for years i have wanted so much for this idea to become more clear. and so now as it is finally emerging, and as it is what makes my heart pound with an overwhelming sense of something good and something right, i am becoming more sure that this is what i am here for today. much of it is still not bold-faced or readable, but there’s an outline. a rough sketch of what is to come and i’m excited. but in the mean time i continue to learn…

there is a word that keeps coming up and up and up the past month or so that i just can’t seem to escape. i can’t escape it because i am confronted with it from other beautiful people in my life who display it, and i can’t escape it because i know it is what i need to be. the word, as strange or perfect or simple or profound as it may sound, is intentional. things, actions, words, gestures, love must be done with intention. not because you have to, not because you feel obligated to, not because it’s good to, but because you care enough to. to care with intention gives more meaning to anything than i ever cared enough to realize. it brings truth. it brings life. real life. and i’m learning that in being content and in being intentional, relationships come to mean a thousand times more than what they ever meant, and hearts become a thousand times more open and vulnerable and transparent, and lives become a thousand times more real and beautiful and filled with well…life. true life. when we become filled with this truth, we reflect it in every way because in all honesty, there’s no way around it. when something gets full, and there’s no more room for it to go, the only other option is for it to overflow, to spill out in streams, and flood everything that surrounds it.

and so as i am being filled, i have now looked back and realized that much of what i have poured every effort into was for very meaningless, selfish reasons…and now, i just can’t justify it anymore. i can’t seem to look past the fact that the way that i have lived for quite a while now has just produced nothing of quality, nothing really worth mentioning because it has all been so self-centered. i have beared no fruit because there was nothing left in me that was capable of doing so- i was empty. not filled to the point of spilling over, not living to the point of producing anything good at all.

and at this thought, my head and heart keep being reminded of words spoken by the savior of the world himself. he said that the world will hate you because they hated me first. these words sting. a lot. and they sting because not only does it break my heart to know that god himself could really be hated, but also because i know that i don’t encounter being hated nearly enough for his name’s sake. it stings because i know i have been so much a part of the world and have put on a mask that makes me appear just as everyone else and embraced what is normal and incorporated my very being into staying at a safe level of comfort, when really i’m called to be set apart and different- a revolt to live life in a way that is pleasing to god and meaningful to others. and if that means to be persecuted and looked down upon and not liked and ridiculed, then so be it.

I AM NOT OF THIS WORLD.

those are heavy words to swallow, but i’m seeing the beauty in them more. i’m not here to please others, or to satisfy them, or appease, or be what they want me to be, but i am here to live and to serve a god who saved me from everything that is my very essence and from this very world. and i’m here to shed light in his direction. to be set apart. to love as he loves. to belong to him and him alone. end of story.

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.
And in his name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT…

divine union

you know that feeling when music just hits you? like really hits you? and there are chills running all over your body and tears welling up in your eyes because of the profoundness of it all? i often think that god speaks most to me in music and last night, i was almost completely convinced. i was so overcome by the simple sound of guitar strings and a voice that could awaken the weariest of hearts and lyrics that pierce your mind and soul. like drive-a-spear-straight-through-you kind of words. there is a power in melodies, a serenity in chords. it floods my whole being with a sense of almost every emotion colliding at once within me. i was in a room of about 15 or so really beautiful people with one voice singing and one instrument playing and it was taking everything in the world for me to not just face-plant myself onto the floor and weep. weep for music. for people. for happiness. for suffering. for grace. for god. if someone were to have sliced open my chest in those moments, i’m not really sure at all what would have been revealed or what would have poured out. i’m almost afraid to think about it. and i wanted so much to just be completely alone, surrounded by nothing but those sounds, and by the whispers of god himself. it is in those instances when i know with every single ounce of my being that god is there, that there is something so completely real about who he is, that he is so much a part of who i am that there is no separation, no voided space- a divine union of spirit. a complete soul of original purity. one tiny splice of heave on earth. this is what i long for.

until the day comes…

unwrap

here i find myself in december- the month i have kind of wanted to just skate around, the month i secretly dreaded meeting once more. but you know what? it’s okaaaay. yes, last december holds very sharp and persistent memories that will take much time to fade, and yes, last december was one of the happiest, strangest, most terrifying, most confusing months i may have ever experienced in my 22 short years on this earth. but this is a new december. this is a december to make new memories, to grow in new ways, to experience new things, to feel new feelings, to see new places, to meet new faces. newww. catching a theme yet??

i was sitting in the fox theater last night being entertained by the nutcracker ballet, and i kept noticing myself staring at the stage floor. because you know what was on the stage floor?? reflections. yeppppp. reflections. most people probably didn’t look down to see the dancers from this perspective, but i was entranced by it. ballerinas have never looked more beautiful- blue and pink and white transparent colors gracefully stuck on the ground, trapped because their owners hung dancing just above them. for some reason, i always find reflections striking, and i think it’s because it allows me to see something the way it’s not originally intended to be seen. to see something…new. it’s a backwards, upside-down, twisted image that my eye always manages to fall upon and i think in many ways, i like to look at a lot of things this way, or at least attempt to.

so, what’s different in life? what’s new these days…?

new was spending thanksgiving in a diner for the first time. it wasn’t the greatest but it also wasn’t bad either. just new. just different. new was spending hours curled up in the trunk of my car talking about life in the kaldis parking garage until 3 am with a friend who possesses an incredible soul that i have been blessed to get to know so much more lately. new was taking self portraits of myself for hours alone in my basement for my last photography project. this feeling was strange and slightly horrifying and yet interesting, because you kind of learn something about yourself in the process. new was when my teacher told me i need to enter 2 of these photos of myself into the student show because they were very very well done and the best set of self portraits she’s ever seen. this has never happened. new is the idea that my teacher also said she hates her own photo taken and only feels secure being behind the camera because that way she is hidden and never the subject. like almost never. and this idea is new to me. new is knowing for certain that i am going back to europe in june. knowing that i’m going with a more open heart than i had before, that i’m going to be a light in a dark country, that i’m going to see one of the most precious faces i haven’t seen in close to 3 years.  new is not drinking or having the few occasional cigarettes. because for 6 weeks it was put on my heart to stop all of it completely. new was the feeling of being ok with it. and new was the feeling of being ok to have that released from me after 6 weeks. so i will have an occational drink and i will have a very occasional smoke, but i will do these things in very private settings, and this idea is new to me- because i no longer have a need for these things- but it’s good. new is meeting a girl who inspires you almost immediately to run towards god with everything you’ve got, to walk towards something greater, towards your one true purpose on this earth. and new is feeling like you’ve known this new friend forever. new was hugging becca for the first time in almost a year and hearing her contagious laugh that floods your mind with memories. new is a church you finally feel connected to and want to serve in. new is going to be working in the nursery at this church and for once being excited to do such a thing early on sunday mornings. new will be leaving for chicago the morning after christmas on a train at 4:30 in the morning with dear and beautiful friends. new will be going anywhere on a train at all. 

there is so much all around. so many things happening, changing, revolving, unfolding. new is happening all the time. and new is beautiful. i just have to remind myself to actually look, to find the beauty in it all, to unwrap what you’re given and see the gifts bestowed upon you…

first thessalonians five: eighteen

when i look around, there’s so much to be thankful for. so much i take for granted every day. even the small things in life. sometimes you tend to just skip right over them, not realizing how important they are, how they make your life just even a little bit easier, a little bit better, a little more beautiful…

music. the gift of love. letters in the mail. sweetest of sweet brothers. a warm bed. true friends. intelligence. emotion. history to learn from. loving parents. a broken heart. travel. unconditional grace. lattes. words to write with. humanity. photographs. eternity. sight/sound/taste/smell/touch. fashion. chai tea. my job. understanding. a full stomach. the sound of rain. education. sunrises. sunsets. faith. hope for the future. my savior- my god.

(Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus)- 1 T 5:18

so it began

you wrote to me a year ago. it had been many many months. wanted to know how i was since it had been so long. said you needed to apologize for things you did. told me we should get coffee some time and catch up. said that you were off to make blackberry cobbler- it sounded good. [i bet you never did.] typed out your number, said to give you a call. gave a ps and said your brother’s band had taken off, i’d like them, you would let me know about the next concert. (16)

i wrote back the day after. said my life had taken a strange turn. gave you my number because you were always the “busier” one that was hard to get ahold of. you called a few hours later. i couldn’t answer because my hand and body was shaking. you left a message- intoduced yourself like a businessman with your full name and said “what the hell happened?” told me to call you back but that i was hopefully asleep already because you would have been if you had been in the accident i had been in. [i wasn't] (17)

i called you back the next night. i heard your voice and it hurt. somehow i still smiled inside. i told you about what had happened to me a few weeks ago. that my surgeon had just released me to start driving earlier that day. you told me the concert was on friday the 21st. [i never went. for 2 reasons.] i agreed to get coffee the following week. [i still wonder why.] (18)

the next few months taught me things i never intended to know.

sometimes i hate that i ever answered. sometimes i hate that i ever hit the reply button.

but i did. and every day i know my heart grew stronger [maybe a little colder] from it.

so sweetly

it’s 5:39 AM as i type this and i just got home. i feel so over this. i’m not trying to be dramatic or to cause an uproar or to hurt feelings or to be pretentious, but really…i’m just tired of being soooo selfish. what i do with my time is ridiculous. i run around making sure i’m happy enough when there are so many other things to be done on this earth. i’m tired of living for me. i’m tired of not being able to be an encouragement to those around me because i myself am drained of anything encouraging. i’m tired of the distortion and the lack of authenticity and transparency. i’m tired of not being filled with light so that i can give that light to others. that is what life is- sharing your time and heart and soul with people who need it desperately and direct it all towards one and one thing only. it’s not meant to waste on yourself- i’ve done that enough already. it’s time to give back what i have been so sweetly given.

empty tonight

it’s dark here. the valley is painted with tar tonight but the stars are flaming when i tilt my head heavenward. my hair, my clothes have the smell of fire woven through every curl, every strand, every thread. the cold hits my cheeks and colors them rose, but my body is warm, surrounded in flames and leather. one thousand pictures have been taken, and one thousand more tiny memories are already forgotten. i hear voices all around- voices laughing, voices shrieking with glee, voices high and low, voices singing, voices old and voices young, voices not making a sound at all (which is a sound all to itself). i hear music, i hear roasting, i hear bottle rockets, i hear happiness, i hear love. there are rocks beneath my feet, and boots wrapped fiercely around my legs. children with flashlights  run across my eyes, the moon scours the faces i am surrounded with, as if to smirk down gently upon us. there is the taste of wine on my tongue, the feel of paper on my hand. i wear a smile mostly, but tears are stored up tightly behind the sockets of my eyes when i risk a glance. the field lies empty tonight- untouched, indifferent. exactly how it should be, exactly how it always should have been.

it will never know the difference. and the flames still dance.