i’m supposed to be doing homework…but i’m incredibly distracted by all of the “in a relationship”, “engaged”, and “married to” statuses that seem to be continually streaming in my facebook live stream right now.
they’re killing me.
i kind of just want to scream- “when is it my turn?!?!?!?!?!”
(rant over)
I got out of class a little early today and I’m sitting outside in the sun on a bench waiting for 2 o’clock to roll around, which means I have 4 classes down and my 5th (and longest) one to go. At least I’m in the home stretch though, huh? I really don’t mind being here though. I will take going to school for hours upon hours any day over being cooped up in an office for 8 1/2 hours staring at a computer. It’s almost midterm already and I can hardly understand how I’m halfway through my first semester. I’ll take it though. We had the first social work club meeting today that my teacher took us to during class which included imo’s pizza and salad in the board meeting room at a long, professional table. It felt strange but I’m glad to know there are people here who want to be involved in their community. I’m very slowly starting to think more and more about grad school and looking up different schools and programs. The whole idea is impossible to me. I guess we’ll see. All I know is that I have such a huge passion for these refugees to succeed. They just have to. I love them all so much and I have to work towards doing what I can to help. It is my calling. God has made that clear for sure…
Time is passing faster than I care to admit and I can’t do anything to stop it. And lately I am so bothered by this. It means that I’m getting older and it means that I haven’t done so much that I want to do in life. Sometimes I think that the more time passes, the less likely any of it will ever happen. And sometimes I take just a minute, or 20, or maybe even more, and I will go on a rampage making lists of when’s and where’s and what-ifs and what-if-not sin my head. I would be lying if I said that in thinking all of these things that I don’t get overwhelmed. In so many places lately, I just feel…stuck. I thought that once I started school and stopped working the typical every day job at the mundane office that I would feel a little bit of relief. And certainly, that has helped for sure. But still, there’s just this nagging feeling of not progressing to anywhere worth anything. I feel as if I just can’t move forward in anything while everyone else’s world just keeps making headway. And it’s really, really getting to me. I try not to let this happen and I try to trust that God knows what He’s doing and has it all in control, orchestrating my every moment from above. But to be completely and devastatingly honest, sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to do. I see people finding love and getting married and have babies and selfishly I wonder when it will be my turn. I always pictured myself doing all of this at a young age but there seems to me no boy in sight that fits even a fraction of what I would want in a husband and time just keeps ticking.
And with this, I also find that I get frustrated with my generation and how they just don’t care about anything but themselves. Maybe this is just me being harsh and judgmental so God please forgive me, but I just don’t get it? It seems like everyone I meet is just consumed with spending their time doing what feels good and concerns themselves with all the leisure things in life. And strike me down, but I even feel like this is the case with a lot of the younger Christians that I meet. And I just have to get it out that it drives me CRAZY. I understand that I was raised in the Catholic church that pushes doing “good works” and “earning your way into heaven” which is engrained in my mind and in my heart, but on the same hand, I truly believe that we are called to serve. And maybe this is just a gift I have- the spiritual gift of serving- and maybe I can go overboard a bit with over-committing my time to serving, but I feel almost as if no one wants to serve at all. I also am learning about the spiritual gifts in a class I’m taking at my church, and I’m aware that there are many gifts and each person in the body was given different gifts which means I can’t expect everyone to have the gift of serving. And I understand that I absolutely can’t expect this in the secular world (as much as i want to sometimes. I really get it. That’s not to say that it doesn’t still bother me slightly, but it ‘s much more acceptable that they would be consumed with the “things of this world.” But among those who call themselves followers of Christ, I don’t see a huge urgency to do much of anything other than to “build relationships” (also labeled “fellowship” which really means “let’s hang out”) with others followers, which I should emphasize is not wrong by any means. I guess it just gets to me sometimes. Maybe my frustration comes from people not having the same passion(s) as me? I’m not really sure. But there’s so much need out there- such a hurting world that needs so much love- and yet most continue to turn their head the other way and plan their weekend accordingly. This absolutely doesn’t mean that I don’t think people should never have fun or do things that aren’t serving-related, but I think there needs to be a balance…and a heart-change.And maybe a shift in glance. My generation needs to start looking beyond their selves, and beyond the instant gratification, and beyond the “I” in every situation. While we were created for relationships and to be in unity with each other, we were also called to make disciples, and to feed the hungry, and cloth the naked, and to love the unloved. We are to see Jesus in even the most undesirable people and to love them well and to tell them where that love came from. That is what my understanding of the kingdom of God is.
And so, with my rant ending, I deeply apologize to anyone at all that might stumble across this and find it offensive or judgmental. I really don’t mean for that. This was more so just a place to get some feelings off my chest about the issue. I guess even in looking at the early disciples and how they lived, this too is the picture I think of who we should be and what the church should look like. Yes, i know that we all can’t live together and share as they did in this modern-day, but I also have a feeling that God never really intended for us to be living such selfish lives. In Romans 12: 1-2 it says “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” So with that in mind, I question what we’re doing wrong. I question how will we ever become living sacrifices in a world that focuses so much on the “self.”
Speaking of living as an early disciple…I still really would love to live in a community house and wish that could happen. I really do want to move out soon, which brings me back around to my original topic of feeling stuck. This is another thing that is really bothering me. Because not only do I feel ridiculous being a 24-year-old still living at home, but I also really want to fit in traveling, which I think I wrote about in my last post, and so I just don’t know what step to take at all. So until then, I will wait patiently until God gives me a clearer understanding of just what in the heck I need to be doing to move.
And He will. I know He will.
Farewell, Septmeber…
it has been raining all day long and it sounds just beautiful outside my window. it’s one of the most comforting sounds to me. it makes me think a lot too. i’ve been thinking a lot about the lost. my heart breaks and i wonder, why me? why would god choose me? and then i think of all the people who can’t ask this same question and i am so overwhelmed with sorrow. and sometimes i don’t know what to do with that. i also don’t know what to do about this huge and gaping desire to be abroad. i want to travel and see the world so much. there’s so much more out there (including my future husband, i am sure) and i just don’t know how to make that happen. maybe something with school will lead to this. i can hope, right? and speaking of school- i really love it a lot. i feel like after being only 4 weeks in i’ve learned quite a lot. my professors are all pretty lovely people, very passionate about their profession and their need for helping the world around them. i’m glad for that. i’m also glad for a very unexpected raise at my job. it could make or break the potential of me being able to move out on my own sometime in the near future, finally. it’s taken so long and i feel like a child for having to live here still but i guess it’s for a reason, huh? sometimes i get sad though for my little brother and not having any siblings left to hang out with, but i guess that’s just the way life goes. life always goes. it’s funny how it doesn’t stop for not even one second to give you a chance to catch your breath. that’s ok though, i’m still breathing, right? i’ve got air in my lungs and a thousand other things i take for granted. and i know there are a thousand other things i could write about but my brain is stopping me from doing so…
do you ever become so incredibly thankful for every single person who has ever touched your life? like for the people you breifly met or hardly even knew? or someone from your childhood you barely remember? or the people you’ve loved forever and the ones you’ve known for what feels like a lifetime? or even for the people that hurt you and left scars upon your heart? and do you ever wish the best for every single one of these people, no matter who they were to you? do you ever feel the deepest love and appreciation for every single one of them who have somehow made you who you are?
because i do.
lately all i’ve wanted to do is be creative and make things. but somehow, i can’t figure out what or how to do it. like i can’t quite put my finger on what i really feel like doing. this is beyond frustrating for me. beyond. and you know what else? i realllllly want to write. like i have this urge every minute of the day to just start writing. but somewhere between my head and hands it gets stuck. i was tempted to starting writing on a piece of notebook paper in class today but it just wouldn’t come. not to mention, i love my class and actually enjoy paying attention so i didn’t want to lose focus. so yeah, school is great. my professor is amazing and i’m learning more than i imagined in just 4 short days. suddenly, i’m in love with being a student…that’s basically a first for me. i’m probably going to work next week after class because there’s really no out-of-class work to do that i was anticipating. i mean, yes, i have a few assignments, but it is no way what i was expecting. i now dread more than ever going back to my cubicle. it’s been nice to just be away from the office even though i feel like i’m a slacker in the afternoons taking it easy. this whole “off time” started on friday when we traveled our little booties to mulbery mountain for the wakarusa music festival in arkansas. it was mostly hell to say the least. maybe that’s an overstatement. but really in all actuality, us 4 girls thought of ourselves as pretty durable and as non-prissy as they come. somewhere along the way, we completely gave up our aspirations to survive and found ourselves ready to leave after the mumford and son’s show was over (which was the whole reason we were there in the first place). after calculating our expenses of camping, gas, and food, janelle described it as this:
“Seeing a plethora of pot, sleeping on a bed of rocks, seeing airbrushed boobs, smelling body odor and pot together, eating lunch while holding electric fans to our faces, being asked to participate in extracurricular activities, seeing Mumford and Sons rock the house= PRICELESS.”
i think that mostly summed it up. yes, there was pot everywhere. we may have even gotten second-hand-high…i’m not sure? and sleeping was well, we were lucky if got 3 hours all together. i think what most struck me was how dark this place felt. the sun was blazing but people were almost like skeletons. dead men walking. there were 25,000 people and yet i felt that all of the life was sucked out of this place. there was no hope, no meaning, just people escaping reality in far away places in their minds. i didn’t mind the camping, and i didn’t mind roughing it without real bathrooms or showers. i tolerated the 97+ heat, but it was the atmosphere that was choking me nearly to death. i don’t think i’ll be going back anytime in the future years to come. but hey, i got to see mumsy boys place one heck of a show. i’m still in awe of how they lasted for an hour and a half performance in the scorching heat.
the plus to coming home early was that i was able to go to church at the chaifezt arena. i was so unbelievably sad to have to miss this event, but i guess god wanted me there. i was on the verge of tears almost throughout the entire service. i was thankful the weekend turned out the way it did. and oh so thankful for a bed.
so now this leaves me back at square one. what in the world should i start creating…?
yikes. i haven’t written since the middle of march and it’s almost the end of april. i guess it’s safe to say that a lot has happened and is still happening. for instance: i went to west palm beach florida to visit a sweet friend with another sweet friend who actually bought my plane ticket as a chirstmas gift. our time was short but fun…minus an awful experience getting stuck in miami after a day trip we thought would be fun. literally awful. but god was faithful and got us home safely around 2:30 am. it was in florida at erin’s church that i learned about the Daniel fast, which i ended up doing. i started it on april 1st and it last 21days (3 weeks just as daniel from the bible fasted). can i just say that it was severely harder than i thought it would be?! we have no idea how much we take for granted in eating whatever we want. my diet was limited to fruits, vegetables, brown rice, beans/legumes and literally nothing with meat, dairy, eggs, bread or any kind of sugar or sweetener. oh and no caffeine or alcohol. coffee was a huuuuge surrender. at first, i was making it a lot about what food i could or couldn’t have, but slowly i was being shown that it was about sacrifice and the acknowledgment of god in all things. i learned to pray more and read my bible more regularly. i felt led to read the book of romans during the 3 weeks and keep a journal, both of which i did. i think mostly god just wants to teach me complete reliance on him and nothing else, because, well, he knows of my tendency, and all of humanity’s tendency to rely on everything but him. so all in all, i’m glad that i stuck it out and i’m glad for what he taught me and is still teaching me. i also turned 24 years old during that time. that number makes me want to puke and just seems absurd to say that age. but so it goes. i started tutoring little boys from Africa and it has been such a learning experience. they are all so precious and yet already so influenced by the culture and environment they’ve been thrown into. it’s almost over for the school year, but if i have time in the fall again, i’d love to continue so we’ll see. i also was a runway model for the first time a couple weeks ago. that was an interesting experience and i’m glad for it. it was something i thought i’d never do and it looks like i’ll be modeling again next week at a local boutique in clayton for a designer called miss ohio vintage. i think it will have a very different feel. i also officially registered for my classes at fontbonne. i’m signed up for 5 classes and just applied yesterday for a 2-week vigorous summer course. i can’t describe how right it feels to be doing this. and i can’t describe how strange it feels to have school feel right. it hasn’t felt right for a long time, but i know this is what i’m supposed to do. i’ve had uncles on both my mom and dad’s side now tell me that social work is no great thing to go into and that i won’t make any money doing it. they don’t get it. i don’t care about the money. i care about making a difference in the lives of people and about what god has called me to do. i know that my heart is in the right place (which has been affirmed by people and opportunities offered to me) and i know that no matter how much i try, i can’t turn my head and look the other way when so much needs to be done. if people only had a glimpse of what it looked like to see a family who had to flee from their own country due to persecution and war and torture sitting on a carpet as their only means of furniture, and if they could see their look of humility and appreciation when you bring them food or something as simple as a bag of old used clothes and watch their faces light up when they know that someone truly and genuinely cares- then they might get it. we are called to take care of the oppressed, feed the hungry, care for the brokenhearted. and i can’t think of a more meaningful way than to dedicate my life to something with so much purpose. i honestly sit at work day after day and think of being with these people all of the time. they are teaching me more than most people i’ve known for years and they are some of the most precious people i could ever ask to know.
it’s funny because my life literally seems upside down and completely out-of-order. i am in complete upheaval and have a lot of decisions regarding work and money and living situations to make and to figure out…but somehow, i’m going to be ok. i have no clue what my life will look like when august rolls around or even in a month. but i know i’m trying my best to seek god and his plan for me and that’s all i can do. so with that, i fold my hands and lay my head back only to fall into the most trustful arms
suddenly, i have decided to be student once more. like a real student at a real university. i have been accepted, my fasfa is submitted, financial aid is being worked on, and my file is going up to be reviewed by the fontbonne scholarship committee. it still sounds pretty much insane to me, but for one reason or another, it just felt…right. i applied there 2 1/2 years ago, and then my accident happened and i dropped the idea of school. until now. i guess it just wasn’t supposed to happen then. not to mention i still had no clue what to study. but out of no where it hit me this time: social work. coincidentally, fontbonne just added a social work program to their list of undergraduate degrees. and so it went. not that everything is all said and done. it’s only a fraction of the things that will have to happen or change. and the scary part is that i don’t even know the half of what those things will be or what my life will look like when august rolls around and school starts. i have no clue if i’ll have day or evening classes, if i’ll have the same job or even be able to work full-time at all, what my finances will look like, or if i’ll be able to move out because of the former things i just listed. i mean i’m excited to do this and to be studying something i’m actually passionate about, but don’t get me wrong…it kind of scares the #?%@! out of me. but i guess only time will tell how things roll out and in the mean time, i’ll just be trying to figure out how to trust god and his [sometimes seemingly absurd] plans…
one day, i will forget this night completely. one day.
soooo it’s 2011. it sure arrived in a hurry. i guess they generally do now days. the last day of 2010 went out with a bang around these parts. literally. a tornado swept through my tiny little county and the next one over and somehow managed to miss our house by just a few streets over. god’s hand must have absolutely been upon us. new years eve was spent at a party full of people i didn’t really know on main street st. charles, but with 2 very sweet friends in tow and i was thankful. year-end was stressful at work and more and more i’m finding that i may not be content there much longer. i’m growing bitter and every last person gets on my very last nerve, which in most cases is completely unlike me- i generally have a high tolerance for painfully difficult people…or so i thought. and i hate seeing myself this way. it really can’t go on too much longer. if truth be told though, i would love to quit my job and quit life as i know it all together and start over. and if i were being completely honest i would love to go and do life with some of the most amazing people I have been blessed to have placed into my life. they are not people of wealth, or grand stature; they aren’t special according to anyone standards or have much to offer in terms of what society expects. but they are beautiful and precious and humble and some of the most cherished people to me. they come from areas in the world that make their skin a different color, their language completely different, their simple ways almost too simple for us to comprehend. they are poor and needy and have gone through more than what most people i know have gone through in a lifetime in the refugee camps they hail from. they have eyes that pierce your heart and a tattered appearance that make you thankful even for the underwear you’re wearing. but the real killer?? the real killer is how their faces light up when you go for a visit to their hole-in-the-wall apartments, and how they hand-make you christmas gifts when they literally have nothing else to give, and how they hug you with a smile and ask when you’ll be back again. and it’s in those moments when i could chuck everything else out the window- my job, my car, my happy little comfortable so-called “life” where i can do what i want to do when i want to do it. there isn’t a day that goes by that these people don’t cross my mind, or when i don’t wonder what they’re doing or pray that they’ll just be blessed with even a tiny little thing that might be insignificant to most. i just find myself more and more wanting to do life with them; wanting to love the unlovable and the unimpressive and the poor. it is, after all, the way we were told to live by the very One who came to earth to give us a glimpse of how to love like this in the first place…
and despite these things i want, i also still find myself clinging to the things i’ve always wanted. i want a husband and children and a house and a purpose and a tiny little art studio and a love for god like i’ve never known and well…there are a lot of things i want lately. it sounds so childish and selfish after everything i have just written, but it’s true. i am unsatisfied and i’m not sure how to cure this. and yes. i know- i have the only satisfaction i ever truly need and i usually have to remind myself to rest in that truth. but there’s just something missing that i can’t quite put my finger on. a piece that was left off. but the real question that comes to play is will and how all of this can fit together? is it possible to have a husband given to me one day soon who will want these same things- who wants children and a house to use for the purpose of taking in others when they have no where else to go and has a love for the very same people that i have a love for? is it possible to have children one day who play and grow up with the children of poverty and see them no different than any other children? is it possible for these lives to collide so that beautiful lives of love may be lived? sometimes my heart aches for this life. sometimes it aches just to know that it might one day exist. usually it just aches to know anything at all. but i can’t know until god leads me to these things if he so desires. after all, i believe that it is from him that these desires were born in me to begin with. and so i wait. and i trust.and i keep living. and that’s the way it has to be.
another christmas has come and departed. i have no clue how that happened. nor do i understand how it’s been 2 years already that my sweet grandma mary left us. i am, however, understanding that the older i get i can’t let just the ‘feeling’ of chirstmas be all there is to it. i think that happens to me quite a bit. i feel a lot and when it doesn’t feel right or when it doesn’t feel like what i think it should feel like i somehow let myself down. i hate that. and then that’s a whole other feeling to deal with. i have also been feeling that i’m not quite doing what i should be doing. i feel like something is missing, like something is out of place- like i’m out of place. or maybe i’m just too “in place.” maybe i’m just too comfortable and things are to mundane and redundant and my head and heart can’t tolerate it for much longer. i know it’s a huge and mighty thing to ask god to move you out of what is easily understood and easy to take on and easy to just go on living about in a normal, everyday way. but honestly, i hope i can say with the sincerest heart that i’m ready for something different, something new, something breathtaking. and beautiful. i’m tired of being comfortable. i’m tired of being tired of the same things. but sometimes that’s a hard thing to pray about. because sometimes it seems that more often than not god finds a way of answering those kind of prayers more quickly than you feel you’re ready for. he’s rather mysteriously quirky like that. but i’m at least ok admitting that i’m feeling more and more ready. and it’s not that i’m unhappy with where he has me now- i have a reliable job, the refuges in the ministry i’m involved with are becoming more and more dear to me, i am more intentional with my time and have more meaningful relationships. and those things are good. it’s just that i know with every fiber of my being that there’s more to it than this. i have more to give than what i’m giving now and with all of my heart i want to give everything i have. maybe it’s just that i don’t know where. or how. or maybe i’m just not seeing something that is right in front of me. or maybe it’s that i’m just not listening. or maybe it’s that i’m just not willing. so maybe i should just start with that prayer- god, open my eyes. help me to hear. bend my heart and make me willing. and maybe, just maybe, help me to be satisfied in my current place band to remember that even that has meaning…so for now, i can only hope that when his voice calls, and his hand takes mine, that i humbly and readily will grab his and walk right along side of him. and even when it gets uncomfortable and when things begin to scratch at my surface and bump into my edges that i will eagerly anticipate knowing that i will be brought through to a greater thing- that i can rest in the comfort of the one who will bring me to and through the uncomfortable.
i must learn DEFIANT joy. joy that exists only because you learn to let it exist in the midst of all things. i must learn the secret that paul speaks of to the saints of philippi- the secret of being content in any and every situation.
…because i’m not.
la bohémienne 