excuse me while i rant.

Time is passing faster than I care to admit and I can’t do anything to stop it. And lately I am so bothered by this. It means that I’m getting older and it means that I haven’t done so much that I want to do in life. Sometimes I think that the more time passes, the less likely any of it will ever happen. And sometimes I take just a minute, or 20, or maybe even more, and I will go on a rampage making lists of when’s and where’s and what-ifs and what-if-not sin my head. I would be lying if I said that in thinking all of these things that I don’t get overwhelmed. In so many places lately, I just feel…stuck. I thought that once I started school and stopped working the typical every day job at the mundane office that I would feel a little bit of relief. And certainly, that has helped for sure. But still, there’s just this nagging feeling of not progressing to anywhere worth anything. I feel as if I just can’t move forward in anything while everyone else’s world just keeps making headway. And it’s really, really getting to me. I try not to let this happen and I try to trust that God knows what He’s doing and has it all in control, orchestrating my every moment from above. But to be completely and devastatingly honest, sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to do. I see people finding love and getting married and have babies and selfishly I wonder when it will be my turn. I always pictured myself doing all of this at a young age but there seems to me no boy in sight that fits even a fraction of what I would want in a husband and time just keeps ticking.

And with this, I also find that I get frustrated with my generation and how they just don’t care about anything but themselves. Maybe this is just me being harsh and judgmental so God please forgive me, but I just don’t get it? It seems like everyone I meet is just consumed with spending their time doing what feels good and concerns themselves with all the leisure things in life. And strike me down, but I even feel like this is the case with a lot of the younger Christians that I meet. And I just have to get it out that it drives me CRAZY. I understand that I was raised in the Catholic church that pushes doing “good works” and “earning your way into heaven” which is engrained in my mind and in my heart, but on the same hand, I truly believe that we are called to serve. And maybe this is just a gift I have- the spiritual gift of serving- and maybe I can go overboard a bit with over-committing my time to serving, but I feel almost as if no one wants to serve at all. I also am learning about the spiritual gifts in a class I’m taking at my church, and I’m aware that there are many gifts and each person in the body was given different gifts which means I can’t expect everyone to have the gift of serving. And I understand that I absolutely can’t expect this in the secular world (as much as i want to sometimes. I really get it. That’s not to say that it doesn’t still bother me slightly, but it ‘s much more acceptable that they would be consumed with the “things of this world.” But among those who call themselves followers of Christ, I don’t see a huge urgency to do much of anything other than to “build relationships” (also labeled “fellowship” which really means “let’s hang out”) with others followers, which I should emphasize is not wrong by any means. I guess it just gets to me sometimes. Maybe my frustration comes from people not having the same passion(s) as me? I’m not really sure. But there’s so much need out there- such a hurting world that needs so much love- and yet most continue to turn their head the other way and plan their weekend accordingly. This absolutely doesn’t mean that I don’t think people should never have fun or do things that aren’t serving-related, but I think there needs to be a balance…and a heart-change.And maybe a shift in glance. My generation needs to start looking beyond their selves, and beyond the instant gratification, and beyond the “I” in every situation. While we were created for relationships and to be in unity with each other, we were also called to make disciples, and to feed the hungry, and cloth the naked, and to love the unloved. We are to see Jesus in even the most undesirable people and to love them well and to tell them where that love came from. That is what my understanding of the kingdom of God is.

And so, with my rant ending, I deeply apologize to anyone at all that might stumble across this and find it offensive or judgmental. I really don’t mean for that. This was more so just a place to get some feelings off my chest about the issue. I guess even in looking at the early disciples and how they lived, this too is the picture I think of who we should be and what the church should look like. Yes, i know that we all can’t live together and share as they did in this modern-day, but I also have a feeling that God never really intended for us to be living such selfish lives. In Romans 12: 1-2 it says “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” So with that in mind, I question what we’re doing wrong. I question how will we ever become living sacrifices in a world that focuses so much on the “self.”

Speaking of living as an early disciple…I still really would love to live in a community house and wish that could happen. I really do want to move out soon, which brings me back around to my original topic of feeling stuck. This is another thing that is really bothering me. Because not only do I feel ridiculous being a 24-year-old still living at home, but I also really want to fit in traveling, which I think I wrote about in my last post, and so I just don’t know what step to take at all. So until then, I will wait patiently until God gives me a clearer understanding of just what in the heck I need to be doing to move.

And He will. I know He will.

 

Farewell, Septmeber…